We circle with a workshop assistant, waiting for the four child-women to join us for an intergenerational dialogue. He breaks the ice, "I've been wondering, why are you here?" Upon our arrival, we have learned that the other fourteen participants are here for "personal growth." We, on the other hand, are here simply to see our children, young women who have chosen this intentional community in Oregon as their home. "Because we love our daughters and they asked us to come," we speak with one voice, connected at some primal level that surprises even us.
"I've never had children," he continues. "How does it feel to love a daughter?" My god, I think, he wants us to define mother love!! Spontaneously, the answer blurts out of all four mouths and hearts at once, "I feel complete when I am with her." We look at each other and nod, pleased with our mutual insight. "I birthed her," one mother continues, " I created her. She is the only person on this earth that I would give my life for."
My thoughts begin spinning around the word "created" and leap to an image--my image--of this creative life force. I hear a newborn's first cry, I see a loving mother watching over her sleeping child, I see her smearing layers of sun screen on delicate skin to guard against the Texas sun, I see her doing everything possible to keep her child from harm as she watches this wonderful being grow year after year.
Our daughters finally join us and my attention is pulled back into the circle. A brief recap from the facilitator brings a surprising outcry. "BUT I DON'T WANT TO COMPLETE YOU!" one daughter protests, "That is too much for me to carry...too much responsibility." Another chimes in, "It's hard enough to figure out who I am without worrying about how I complete you! I need you to be complete in your own right so I can be complete in my own way!" All four daughters agree. All four mothers sit stunned.
After a long and scary silence, I come to my senses, "But you don't have to do anything or be anything other than who you are. Simply being your mother is what gives me the feeling of wholeness and completion. I don't want you to live your life to please me. There are no strings attached."
The following morning, I awaken with a ritual in my head and an urgent need to bring closure to yesterday's unsettling discussion. Last night's dreamwork had revealed a difficult truthŠthere are still strings attached! I gather the other three mothers and hustle them to a small "healing room" in the conference center where I had assembled the objects for our ritual. We join hands and open the circle, thanking the Great Earth Mother for her love and her example. We share our feelings and insights about mother love, describe our bonds with our daughters, and light a candle for each young woman.
And then, one by one, we cut the golden cords that symbolize the parent-child relationship. "Sweet daughter, you are the spirit child who came into this life a wise, but helpless, infant. You needed me then, but now it is time to let go." My tears are bittersweet. As I reach for the purple cord that symbolizes a loving adult relationship and wrap it with great care around my daughter's candle, the words generate deep within my soul, "Through this ritual of transformation I welcome the love and friendship of my adult daughter and I offer her my unconditional love. The goddess within me honors the goddess within her." I am complete in the One.
Seven years ago Victoria Albright left a 25-year career as a medical writer and wellness educator in Houston to explore holistic healing practices and environmental education. Her search led her to earth-centered spirituality with a focus on re-connecting with the natural world. Victoria's work as a community event consultant has included ecology conferences, sustainability fairs, feminine spirituality retreats, and eco-education events for all ages. Her vision is to work with other cultural creatives to bring about a wisdom culture in this lifetime.
A note from Abigail (one of the daughters): Victoria was one of four mothers of Lost Valley residents who participated in our Naka-Ima workshop held in early September. Witnessing and supporting the honest exchanges between mothers and daughters was a gift for all who participated in the workshop that weekend. We nicknamed that course "Mama-Ima."
©2001 Talking Leaves
Winter 2002
Volume 11, Number 3
Diversity, Wholeness, and Healing