As the program facilitators, Charlie and I had been excited about Jill from the time we first read her application to the Apprenticeship. She seemed highly motivated and passionate about pursuing her dreams, just the kind of person whom we wanted to attract to the program. When she jumped out of the cab of that huge shiny white semi, I wasn't quite sure this was the same person I had envisioned. She was heavy set, hair bleached blond, with sad eyes and her mouth set in a tight line. I was surprised and wondered if she had come to the right place. I thought, "This will be an interesting three months."
Charlie and I had designed that year's Apprenticeship to offer our ideal of the skills people need in order to truly live sustainably. For us this included personal growth skills in communication and counseling as well as the practical skills of gardening, permaculture, medicinal herbs and other skills that assist in developing a relationship with nature. Our intention was to integrate the emotional/spiritual/physical/intellectual aspect of our humanness with the land-based activities to create a holistic approach to sustainable living, giving the apprentices tools and experience in relationship and creating close connections with others.
The first three days of the Apprenticeship we spent together in one tight room--all twelve apprentices, Charlie, and myself. We wanted everyone to get to know each other and experience a community bond before we began to focus on the garden and landscape. The process we used was based on M. Scott Peck's community building work in The Different Drum. As facilitators, our primary role was to maintain emotional safety and all we told the group is that we were together to create the experience of community.
The feeling in the room the first day was tense and uncomfortable. I felt awkward about the number of men in the group, seven men and five women, a very different energy from the past three Apprenticeships I'd facilitated in which there were mostly women and a few men. And yet, as I looked around the room at these young people, mostly college students, the person who looked the most out of place was Jill. She was the oldest at 27, and, although she had more life experience than the rest, she had the least experience in gardening and sustainable living skills. Understandably, she was very shut down and wanting to protect herself, and I was concerned that she would not be able to open up to us. I did not know if we could create enough safety, especially with all the men present and considering the resistance several of the apprentices were expressing toward the process. I'll never forget the look on her face, so strained and heavy with anger and grief.
(Over the summer, this look was to transform, Jill's face soften and clear, her body relax, and her laughter become a prominent part of every day. At summer's end, I would experience her as a completely beautiful and powerful woman.)
On the morning of the second day three of the men and one of the women began to complain more vigorously about the process we were engaged in--they had anticipated that we would immediately be starting in the garden. They wanted to "do something" and felt as though we were wasting time and they really did not care much about this emotional growth stuff anyway. The air began to get thick with emotions. Other apprentices retorted that they wanted to continue with the process and very much desired to create community since we would be living together all summer.
Charlie and I sat back and watched as the quarreling escalated. We only intervened by making general statements about what was happening in the group; it was the group's job to figure out how to create community together. Some apprentices tried to lighten the atmosphere by playing games. It was clear that there was a polarization happening. Jill had hardly said a word up until now. There were big feelings of anger flaring and huge discrepancies in ideas and opinions on what to do next. It was hot in that room!
Finally there was a lull in the heated verbal exchange, we all looked at each other and Jill started to cry. We put our attention on her. She talked about the reasons she had been attracted to the program and how she wanted the skills of relationship and community building. Then she described where she had come from as we sat mesmerized:
Her parents where alcoholics, divorced when she was 6 years old, her mom constantly hospitalized from abusing alcohol. Her dad was a workaholic salesman who subjected her and her sisters to many different women, and she was surrounded by alcohol, drugs and promiscuity when they lived with him after the divorce. Her father obtained custody after the divorce because her mom was in the hospital. Her mom fought for custody of the kids for eleven years and eventually all the girls went to live with her again.
Jill left home at 17 years of age and joined the army where she spent almost five years as a law enforcement officer. She started her college education in the military and then went through several community colleges before deciding to finish her degree in Environmental Management and Geography with a minor in Urban Studies at Elmhurst college in Illinois, spending a total of ten years to get her degree.
She had to pay her own way through college so she worked full time at a day care center for disabled people while going to school. She was now an assistant manager of two apartment buildings with 21 women, supervising staff and paperwork. She told us how she disagreed with the philosophy of the center and their attitude towards disabled people. It was a very mainstream approach and she was seeking alternatives.
Her dream was to create a community which cares for disabled people with an emphasis on gardening. She also had been in several dysfunctional relationships with men and wanted to learn skills that would help in creating healthy relationships. She wept again as she told us of her desire to get married and have children. I was stunned by her courage and her insight.
The environment in the room had changed when Jill was finished sharing her story. She initiated the sharing of deep feelings, relating her hurts and struggles and so began our movement as a group toward true community where we began to accept each other without judgment and we were all simply human with our hearts open to the flow of love and compassion as each person in turn shared their story. At the end of the three days, we had definitely experienced a sense of community, and we knew each other more deeply, finding a sense of safety and connection with one another in having shared ourselves and where we were broken. It was amazing to get a feeling for people's patterns, strengths, and challenges in just three days, and to feel comforted knowing that we were somehow all the same in our struggles. Charlie and I were pleased with the outcome of the community building exercise, as were the apprentices, and at the same time we were made thoroughly aware of the challenges we faced with this group. It was going to be an intense summer!
Charlie and I had structured the Apprenticeship according to our ideas about what the apprentices would be interested in learning. We made a very full schedule with garden work and demonstrations each morning from 7 to noon, followed by classes from 3-6 PM after lunch and a break. Weekends and one afternoon a week were free time other than rotated watering duties. The afternoon classes focused on the topics of Medicinal Herbs, Permaculture, peer counseling, and personal development.
Jill was a hard worker from the outset of the program. She often made breakfast for all the apprentices, getting up early to do the work and then cleaning the dishes afterward. After a time, she expressed anger and resentment that none of the other apprentices were working as hard as she. Through the peer counseling work she discovered that this was a prevalent pattern in her life, that she had often taken the role of caretaker and martyr. This pattern developed in her home environment as a child since her alcoholic parents had needed her to care for them. We encouraged her to tell others what to do, and to ask directly for what she needed, to contradict this pattern. It was really fun to watch Jill squirm as she tried not to get involved as the other apprentices either left a mess or did the job differently than she would have. Over time she became more assertive and powerful in her contributions to others. Her face and posture changed and her beauty became more visible.
Jill's desire for self improvement manifested in the interest and energy she put into acquiring the counseling skills we were teaching (which are based on Re-evaluation Co-counseling). She became a trusted counselor for many of the apprentices. Her experience in her family environment was useful to her in being able to connect to the experience of others, and her ability to create a lifestyle in contrast to what her parents had taught her was inspirational. She had come a long way along the path that most of us were traveling, creating a new experience when the old one was painful or no longer fulfilling.
I was thrilled with Jill's interest in garden management. She adopted her own beds in the gardens and worked with us in garden planning. She was very serious about getting the information she needed to pursue her dreams. We often had to encourage her to slow down and play because the drive to improve herself was so great she would otherwise work constantly.
Charlie and I grew so fond of Jill, and felt so proud of her for her courage that we told her we wanted to adopt her as a member of our family. In her counseling sessions she would grieve about not having people in her life who really knew how to be there for her, and it was quite a contrast for her to have us. We kept reminding her that it was really true that we would not abandon her, that she would always be our daughter.
Towards the end of the summer, the apprentices undertook a Vision Quest in the desert. For three days and nights they fasted alone in nature, seeking clarity on issues they had identified as important for them. Jill was frightened by the prospect of being alone. Camping was still new to her and nature was a foreign place. She had never gone a day without food, either. Jill shared her fears with us and then decided she was ready to undertake the quest when we assured her that she could return to basecamp at any time. We felt sure she would not stay out the entire time, but she surprised us by returning the morning of the fourth day with clear eyes and a radiant confidence.
In the ceremony celebrating and confirming her journey at the conclusion of the Apprenticeship, we gave Jill the name Beautiful Wise Woman Healer in honor of how she is blossoming into her true self. She spoke eloquently and assuredly of her dreams and the challenges facing her. Her face was open and confident and I felt an intimate connection with her as my daughter. I have no doubt of her ability to manifest her dreams and I shall always see her as a powerful woman.
Charlie and I invited Jill to return to Lost Valley as an assistant for the 1998 Apprenticeship program. She has accepted the invitation and is moving to Eugene. She has seen that she is no longer responsible for taking care of her mother, who was recently given her second DUI and is still in and out of the hospital. She received her college degree, the first in her family to do so, and is stepping out into the world to make it a place where life is more supportive and sustainable.
It is astounding to me that while I think the students have so much to learn from me, it seems that I learn more from them. I learned as much from Jill's presence in the Apprenticeship as she did from me as a teacher. Jill will forever remain an inspiration.
Julianne Tilt--a mother, herbalist, peer counselor, and educator--has co-facilitated Lost Valley Educational Center's gardens and Agroecology Apprenticeship for the past four years.
©1998 Talking Leaves
Spring/Summer 1998
Volume 8, Number 1
Education for an Ecological Society